-by Hettie Brittz, adapted with permission from the books Growing Kids with Character and unNatural Mom

When the apple falls far from the tree, life can suddenly become very uncomfortable for a mom and the kids she is raising. After every parenting talk, a line forms of moms with more questions to ask. You can bet at least one of them will be a jovial mom who is at her wits’ end with a child who can’t seem to find the silver lining in any situation. She has just one pressing question: “How do I make my child lighten up a little?”

Our personalities are such a given, that she may as well ask, “How do I change my child’s blood type?” Personality types are like trees – diverse, alive, dynamic, seasonal, and open to growth. This mom who lives a lot and wants her child to live at least a little, is what I call a Palm Tree Mom. She figuratively lives in Hawaii where the sun always shines. She is puzzled. Why can’t her child be cheered up by a tickle, a good joke or a bright green cupcake?

The unique personality of each child holds the clues. They each are born with a temperament as permanent as their genetic makeup, which parents are called to shape into a work of art. The challenge remains to understand their needs and to adapt to the important needs, while ensuring they’re not given their every wish. We’re growing character in them, after all.

A feisty child (I call them Rose Bushes) will occasionally resist a Palm Tree mom’s charm and cheerleading on purpose; a laid-back Pine Tree child will find a Palm Tree mom’s tempo and intensity a little high at times, and may dig in her heels and becoming stubborn just to slow down the rollercoaster Palm Tree Mom.  But, the greatest challenge to the Palm Tree Mom’s joi de vie is likely to come from a serious Boxwood Tree, in many respects her opposite.

Step 1: Know and accept yourself

Because you are a palm tree parent you …

• create a merry atmosphere at home
• are quick to forgive and forget
• show your love to your family with ease and frequency
• love playing with your children
• can approach crises facing the family with optimism
• use your sense of humour to cheer up the whole family
• see the best in your children
• don’t expect perfection from your children
• feel that the happiness of everyone in the family is central

Step 2. Know and accept your Boxwood Tree child

Some key characteristics of Boxwood children are the following:

• Focus on details (while you may think they’re sweating the small stuff)
• Are very anxious about making mistakes (which to you is no big deal)
• Highly value privacy (possibly explaining why you’re sometimes pushed away)
• Are serious about equality and fairness (and you don’t keep score, do you?)
• Are teachable and eager to learn (This is a good one! Unless you don’t like teaching.)
• Do not forgive easily (Oops, you don’t get away with many mistakes here.)
• Find fault with others’ way of doing things (and when you have several ways to do something, they can find several mistakes.)
• Struggle with negative emotions (No kidding! That’s the main issue, isn’t it?)
• Choose friends of the same mindset (and you really want to be this friend.)
• Follow instructions to the letter (What letter? What instructions?)
• Have a vulnerable self-image (while you probably love yourself and others easily)
• Become frustrated with their own shortcomings (while you see all the good in everyone)
• Enjoy intellectual games (as opposed to real fun in the sun – your specialty as a palm tree mom)

Step 3. Adapt intentionally

Your biggest challenge will be to deal with your Boxwood’s negative emotions (sadness, despondency, pessimism, disappointment, etc). Resist the temptation to cheer up your Boxwood impatiently. Rather climb into their black hole for a few minutes. Acknowledge that what they are feeling is valid, even when you truly feel they shouldn’t take things as seriously or personally as they do. Once you allow them to feel what they feel, their emotional side is calmed down and their rational faculties kick in so that they are able to solve their problem and find a positive. Look at a few of David’s darker Psalms, and you’ll see the Boxwood patter: He pours out all his raw feelings and ends up with hope and praise. This is the result, I believe, of finding a safe place with God. An unsafe place is where someone tells you you shouldn’t feel the way you are feeling. You can save yourself half the pity party by forgoing on the “It’s not that bad” response in favor of one of these:

“I can see this really is terrible for you. Let me know if you think I can help.”

“I wish I could make it better, because you are clearly very angry. What they did really hurt you.”

“This is a tough one. It feels unfair and cruel that this happened to you.”

Note that none of these judge the feelings as either appropriate or inappropriate. These responses convey 3 things: I get the message. I care. I’m ready to help once you are calm enough.

Here are a few quick pointers for the other likely challenges with your Boxwood kid:

• Learn to listen more and talk less!
• You will need to be serious about the important, deep matters in your Boxwood’s life and not make light of them.
• It comes naturally to you to amuse people with entertaining stories and your sense of humour. Be careful not to be an embarrassment to your self-conscious Boxwoods.
• For the sake of your organised Boxwood who needs a lot of structure and order, you must learn to plan and follow a routine. Enlist help from a Boxwood Mom, if need be.
• Try to set targets with the education of your children because a Boxwood wants to know where everyone is headed.

In time, your Boxwood children will feel more accepted and emotionally safe. They will start borrowing joy from you, learn to like it, and finally find joy for themselves.