Mom and Dad on the same page
by Hettie Brittz
Opposites tend to attract (or the cynics may say “opposites attack”) which is why most couples raising kids together know all about the infamous parenting style clash. Dad feels his daughter should start dating at 30 while mom is ready to relive her steamy teen years through her sixteen year old. Or mom feels money as a reward for good grades goes against every educational principle in the book, while dad wouldn’t touch any of those books in the first place.
A deeper look into common style differences
Let’s work with four tree type metaphors: There are the Rose Bush parents who exert control (hence the thorns) and place an emphasis on dependability and independence. They want kids to grow up fast and yet they want to make most of their decisions for them. On the bright side, their kids know how to submit to authority and how to do what needs doing even when you don’t feel like doing it. All kids should have that ability (hence the congratulatory rose).
The second type I call the Palm Tree parents. Imagine the beach, sunshine and fun. That is what Palm Tree Parents aspire to. Their mantras are: Let kids be kids. Don’t be so serious. It’s bound to be better tomorrow. Loving attention is all your kids need. These parents are adored, but not always respected, unless they can overcome their inclination to be their child’s best friend and set some firm boundaries when needed.
Pine Tree parents can also be the victims of strong-willed children, because their primary goal is peace on earth, beginning right at home. They’re like the Christmas tree that brings everyone together in spite of their differences. This nurturing care and diplomacy filter into parenting and sometimes show up in a negative way as smothering, indecisiveness, conflict avoidance and even permissiveness.
The fourth type are the parents who do it by the book. They love systems and rules, order and routine. I call them the Boxwood trees. You can trim Boxwoods into perfect hedges or artistic topiaries. Similarly, Boxwood parents want to fit the mould and will generally adapt to what is needed, often losing their sense of self in the process. But, their kids tend to be neatly pruned and exemplary.
Is it always a bad thing to have different styles?
It’s possible that a mom and dad may actually have the same expectations of their children and are trying to apply the same rules, but their methods for achieving those results are so different that they feel they are divided. A Palm Tree dad could joke about the messy rooms as a way to motivate the kids to do something about it. A Boxwood mom’s response would be serious. A Rose Bush may threaten and a Pine Tree may do nothing, or may even clean the mess themselves to avoid the stricter parent’s intervention. All have the same goal: a tidy room.
Style differences can be a good thing, because they may force parents who are at opposite ends of the spectrum to act in a more “balanced” or moderate way. Without the influence of my Pine-Palm (peace and fun) husband, my Box-Rose style (rules and control) would probably have left a figurative blood trail through our home. Still, if it weren’t for my ability to be immovable, our children would probably never eat enough veggies, go to bed at a decent hour and limit themselves to one candy bar at a time.
What if parents differ so much that each feels the other one is really wrong? Loss of respect, division and confusion usually creep in. Kids side with one parent, rules become arbitrary, truth seems to be a matter of opinion and the child who thrives on consistency experiences insecurity. Either the strict or the permissive parent becomes laughable.
Six steps to unity
1. Examine your past and leave the baggage behind
Sometimes there are six voices in each home: mom’s, dad’s and the voices of the four grandparents. Perhaps mom wants to do what her dad would have done, and dad wants to avoid repeating his mother’s mistakes at all costs. If our approach is a reaction to an unhappy childhood or an artificial continuation of a happy one, that baggage probably contributes significantly to the conflict. If we cannot educate our children out of conviction rather than habit or hurt, it may be time to get help and to forgive our own parents for their failures, so we can start over.
2. Discuss the points of conflict with specific, concrete examples and with insight into the role that temperament style plays
Easily worried Boxwood parents may disagree with the Palm Tree parent’s gift of a TV for every child’s bedroom. They would do well to steer clear of sweeping statements such as, “You always say yes to everything.” It would work better to express acceptance of the Palm Trees’ innate design and rather say, “I think you knew the kids would be thrilled. You want to see them happy at all times. Typically, I have some concerns. Can we discuss this and consider the possible harm to them? Perhaps you can help me be OK with this. Maybe I can suggest a few boundaries.”
3. Formulate a joint disciplinary mission
Our long-term goal for our children can be summarised by the word “maturity”. Parents may have a very insightful conversation if they compare their definitions of maturity. Pine Trees and Palm Trees may emphasise a happy, balanced child; Boxwoods and Rose Bushes may mention a sound work ethic, or self-confidence.
4. Agree on rules, rewards and penalties that are acceptable to both of you
If a strict disciplinarian (usually a Boxwood and Rose Bush combination) announces a punishment that a Pine Tree or Palm Tree parent disapproves of, that more lenient parent will comfort the children in a way that makes them think the consequence was unreasonable. List consequences both of you can live with, and decide who the best person is to announce or implement these. It’s inadvisable for the parent who tends to make a joke out of serious matters, to deliver an important “sermon.” Similarly, the one who tends to be overly critical, probably shouldn’t be the one in charge of rewards. The kids may never get any!
5. Agree never to disagree about discipline in front of the children
Most couples can predict what they will disagree on. When one of those contentious issues comes up, step outside. You do not have to respond to a request in the heat of the moment. Take your time. Ask your spouse for their perspective. Don’t reply until you can speak for the both of you. Children appreciate a well-considered response that their parents agree on.
Kids are masterful ant finding the crack in our armor when we stand divided. Perhaps these words apply to parenting as much as to politics:
Gentlemen, we must all hang together, or we shall most assuredly all hang separately.
-In the Continental Congress just before signing the Declaration of Independence, 1776.