PART ONE (Taken from Growing Kids with Character a book by Hettie Brittz.)

If parenting is such a big challenge, then surely we do well to prepare for it by reading and attending courses, but also by sorting out some deeper issues for ourselves. If we prepare using the following three ideas, we will do better than we ever expected!

• We need shaping just as much as our children need it.
• Our past must make way for a new vision.
• We must accept life-long responsibility for our children.

Idea 1: We need shaping just as much as our children need it.

Our first question as parents usually is: What must I do with this child? Actually, the question should be: What must I be for this child?

Yes, the key to good parenting is in our being. How sincerely can I love? How quickly can I forgive? How patient can I be? How easily can I say that I’m sorry? How deep is my commitment to my job as parent? How much of myself am I prepared to give? If the answers to these questions leave you blushing, it is a sure sign that you will also need shaping!

We need shaping as much as our children need it. I truly believe that only well-pruned mature trees will be able to shape their saplings.

Good parents do not necessarily have a repertoire of good techniques, they primarily possess good character.

Before we expect something from our children in return – namely good behaviour – we must give them our best.

The Lord set the example by loving us first. How do we become the best that we can be in order to have something worthwhile to give? In John 15:1-8 and verse 16 we are reminded that we will never bear fruit unless we are connected to the True Vine. If we are, however, one with Jesus, and receptive to the Father’s pruning, we will bear lasting fruit. Hopefully, our children will be part of this harvest!

John 15:2

He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.

If I allow the great Gardener to prune me even as I am pruning my saplings and to shape me while I am shaping my young ones, the discipleship process becomes a reality. Then we and our children can all follow Christ’s example together. We do not necessarily always have to do the right thing, but we must strive to have the right attitude. In any case, can any parents really set the perfect example for their children?

When we make a mistake we are not setting a good example. But that doesn’t disqualify us from being parents, provided that we understand one thing: A life of surrender to Jesus is a better example than a life of false perfection, just as a rusty sign board indicating the right direction is better than a shiny new board indicating the wrong direction. When parenting hands us a mirror and confronts us with all our shortcomings, we can cover the spots and wrinkles with a thick layer of make-up, or we can face the truth about ourselves and, by the grace of God, try again.

Quote, Franklin P. Jones The guys who fear becoming fathers don’t understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man. The end product of child raising is not the child but the parent.

The only example worth following is Jesus. Therefore, the best example to give our children is a sincere commitment to Him.

Our progress in terms of obedience to the Lord is a prerequisite for our children’s obedience to us.

Quote, Russel Hoban If the past cannot teach the present and the father cannot teach the son, then history need not have bothered to go on, and the world has wasted a great deal of time.

PART 2:  Our past must make way for a new vision (Taken from Growing Kids with Character a book by Hettie Brittz.)

More than anything else, there are two components of our past that we must try to leave behind in preparation for the best parenting experience: The example set by our parents and our own bad parenting experiences.

Why must I turn my back on my parents’ example?

A marriage is the start of a new family. Many young couples have trouble letting go of their original families. Maybe the husband is still tied to his mother’s apron strings and the wife is still daddy’s little girl. This spells trouble when the new family is extended. The addition of children to a marriage places the new family on a new step of the ladder. If we thought as newlyweds that it was difficult deciding which parents’ house to visit for Sunday lunch, what will we do when confronted by the decision of where to spend Christmas with the kids?

If we cannot break from our parental homes in a healthy way, we will stay children instead of becoming parents in our own right. When it comes to disciplining children we cannot afford to have more than two parents, each with their own opinion in one house! Many homes already have two parents who can’t agree. Add to that the two voices whispering in the ear of each parent, telling them how their mother or father would have acted in the situation, and there are six opinions and a huge conflict under one roof. Sometimes, while we are busy disciplining our children, we suddenly hear our own parent’s voice clearly interfering. Some of us physically have a grandmother or grandfather in the house, and then it is even more difficult to ignore the voice when it prompts us to be more lenient or give a more severe punishment.

Should I also turn my back on good parenting examples?

In many instances, the answer is “yes”. Those of us who have good childhood memories and who had a good relationship with our parents are especially at risk to do exactly what they did and what would please them. I am calling it a risk because the demands on parents have changed a lot during the past twenty years, and even though you learned a lot from your parents, you can’t discipline in the same way they did. Even if you could, it would not prepare your child for today’s world. To do what they did may even be against the law today!

Unfortunately, it is very difficult to form solid convictions if we are wounded. We have to be healed of everything that may have been unpleasant in our childhood. We must be healthy enough to realise that our parents’ approval of our parenting style is less important than our own convictions. There is a practical activity at the end of this chapter that you can do to test whether or not you are healthy enough to prevent a transfer of your wounds to your children.

If we can leave emotion out of it and discipline and educate with conviction, we have a new vision – a prospect that will help us move forward with purpose.

Good parenting is proactive rather than reactive. This means having your own plan and not just blindly following someone else’s example of what (or what not!) to do. You have to understand why you are doing what you are doing, and you have to know what you intend to achieve. Are you not spanking “because I turned out fine without it” or are you not spanking “because I believe it teaches a child to be violent”? Are you spanking “because the Bible says so” or are you spanking “because all the other people in my church believe in it”?

There is a second reason for not simply following our parent’s example of disciplining: The dangers for and demands on children have changed dramatically over the years. Our parents could allow us to watch television without fear of our innocence being stolen; they could allow us to walk to the corner shop alone by age six and send us to any school with the reassurance that we would get a good education. Our parents raised us in a world free from abortion acts, the Internet, cell phone pornography, cult card games, public homosexuality (even inside the church), drug dealers on every street corner, and affirmative action. Our task as parents is so different from our parents’ that we simply have to adjust our approach! We have to play a much more active role. I believe not many of us are doing that!

How can I start over if my parenting history does not look good?

We have to leave our own parenting mistakes behind if we plan to move forward with a new vision. If you have experienced many failures up to now, and wish to start over, you have to make sure that you have truly left the past behind.

Almost all parents who feel that they have failed harbour such feelings because of one or more incidents of conflict with their children. This means that someone is guilty, someone is angry, someone is sorry, someone is sad, or someone is lonely. All these emotions make the problems seem bigger than they really are. Therefore, we have to pray for perspective before we can tackle the problem.

A mistake is not necessarily equal to poor parenting. We must rectify what we can, but we also need to know that we will make many mistakes in future. This is allowed in parenting!

If we want to move forward with a new vision, we need to identify the events that have led to our feelings of failure and try to solve them as best we can. No book or course can help us if our mistakes keep haunting us or our children. Unfortunately, if these things are swept under the carpet, we will have to go and take them out of there. The feelings of sadness, guilt or bitterness will not go away until we have dealt with them. Sometimes the only forgiveness that remains is the forgiveness of ourselves – something we can learn to do in prayer – but often we need to work through the hurt of the past with our spouse and children. After that we must discipline our thoughts, keeping them from dwelling on these past hurts.

Remember that a child’s serious blunder is not necessarily a sign of bad parenting. Sometimes we can do everything right and still have to look on as our children make the wrong choices. Unfortunately, that is the reality of freedom of choice. Our children can answer “yes” or “no” to our parenting. If we haven’t yet learned to forgive our children for their wrongdoings, we need to learn to do that, as well as starting every day anew. Our parental love should always triumph over our children’s wrongdoings. The bitterness of the past can destroy us. If we can truly set ourselves free from the past and our children’s failures, there is hope and a new vision!

Will you allow yourself and your children to start over? The Lord is on standby, ready to help you through his Spirit.

PART 3: We must accept life-long responsibility for our children. (Taken from Growing Kids with Character a book by Hettie Brittz.)

Our role as parents will change significantly over the years, but we never leave the stage. Initially, we enjoy the spotlight and even play a major part in our children’s lives, but later on we play less commanding roles and eventually we may even become part of the props – but we remain a part of our children’s life scripts forever.

I once heard a psychologist addressing a parental guidance group about teenagers she worked with who had suicidal tendencies. Across the board these teens felt that their parents didn’t love them unconditionally. The speaker asked us to give a synonym for unconditional love. We struggled for a while; then she helped us out – responsibility is the key! When children feel their parents haven’t really accepted responsibility for them, they are unable to experience their parents’ love.

Many of the teenagers with whom this psychologist had worked, had experienced from early childhood how their parents passed them on to the housekeeper, the “daycare mom,” the teacher, Grandma and Grandpa, parents of friends, and the after-school lady – not only out of need but also when it simply suited the parent. The mom and dad were only too willing to pass the child on when the child was going through a bad patch, but also when they just wanted time for themselves.

Sandy’s (16) parents were always busy and actually relieved when she would stay out late or rather go on vacation with other families. In the evenings or over weekends they found her intense emotional needs and demands simply more than they could deal with. The more demanding Sandy became, the further the mother and father retracted. When the school principal called them in after she was caught with drugs in her procession, they explained that Sandy was a big girl who could take responsibility for her own actions and that they had raised her to be independent. She had to take all responsibility for her irresponsible actions. Their contribution to her sadness, rebellion, and drug-use never came up. They washed their hands of her.

The parents of Ruben (17), another equally depressed teenager, went to more trouble. His mother stayed at home to take care of him. His father gave him lots of pocket money and bought Ruben a car as soon as he obtained his driver’s license. The answer to almost all requests was, “Yes, of course, my dear child.” His parents ensured that the chap had the latest cell phone, laptop, PlayStation and other “necessities” including a room with a private entrance. They would also try to vacation at luxurious resorts and invite his friends along.

Unfortunately, Ruben never experienced much love because nobody ever really knew him. Nobody ever asked where he had been the previous night or what he had done with last month’s pocket money. He forged his parents’ signatures on his report cards and tests because nobody ever inquired about them anyway. Nobody asked how he managed to run up an extra R300 on the cell phone bill in just one month, and thanks to the separate entrance, neither did they realise that his girlfriend was spending some nights there. They thought that as long as he wasn’t complaining, he had to be happy, and that put their minds at ease.

These two teenagers were in fact equally unhappy because, in different ways, their parents never took up their role as parents with responsibility.

I would love to believe that I am different from these parents, but the psychologist’s talk that day brought me to my senses because I was well on my way to following the first parents’ model. My domestic worker loved babies and also loved getting up at five o’clock in the morning. It suited me perfectly to get up at seven o’clock every morning and find a happy baby, already fed and cleaned, sitting contentedly with Joyce on the couch. When my son was born two years later, my daughter’s behaviour became a huge problem. She was, among other things, very cross with me, and tried to drown her brother in the bath! When I took her to a play therapist for help, I was shocked to learn that my daughter was attempting to send me a message through her behaviour: She wasn’t sure who I wanted to be in her life because I wasn’t playing my part as mother consistently. She saw Joyce in the inner circle, but I was on the outskirts of her life. Because she had a very insecure bond with me, her brother’s arrival was a major crisis for her. She wanted him dead because it seemed to her that I really wanted to be his mother – but not hers.

I had to undergo bonding therapy with Idalise and learn how to become a nurturing mother, and I had to compensate for Idalise’s unfulfilled needs for pampering and caring. We literally had a nurse’s box full of ointments and creams, “tablets” and band-aids, and I had to look for “ouchies” every now and then like a proper nurse. If I had been more caring during the first two years, all of this would have been unnecessary! We had to play games to break down the walls between us –walls that I had unconsciously built because the gap between my daughter and me was too wide!

I thought that once I regularly played the games the therapist taught me and took Idalise to work with me more often, that the problem would be solved. But when I heard the talk about responsibility, I suddenly understood – she doesn’t only want to spend more time with me; she wants to feel that I want to be responsible for her. This becomes evident through the everyday routine jobs of parenting – serving food, putting away clothes, cleaning sticky hands, changing soiled nappies, and, as she gets older, supervising homework, taxiing to activities, exercising control over social outings and all the other timely and untimely concerns. These very practical things are proof of our willingness to take responsibility for our children. That is the proof of unconditional love.

You discover that life as you knew it, is over and then you meet the most delightful person ever …

– From the movie Lost in Translation, said in connection with the birth of your first child.

Our children change our lives permanently. Life as we knew it is indeed over! We can’t simply carry on as we did before their births, pretending that nothing has happened. It would be tragic if we did because children are very special gifts to enrich our lives; not a nuisance to disrupt them!

We pay other people to look after them with the money we earn while we are away from them. In this way, one can have children but miss out completely on the pleasures of parenting.

In fact, parenting is full of opportunities to grow! Kneeling next to our children, getting wrinkled from taking them on our lap, sticky from their chocolate-covered hands, gives us a fresh view of the world.

How important is a father’s responsibilities at home?

The examples I have used to illustrate parental responsibility were mostly from the list of a mother’s duties, but I want to make it clear that the father’s involvement is just as important. He can’t always call on mom when the child has a need.

A father’s life should also change drastically and permanently. If, after the arrival of children, the father still sleeps the same number of hours each night, goes on business trips of the same duration, works the same number of overtime hours, or answers his cell phone as promptly as before, he hasn’t made the necessary changes to adapt to the responsibility of parenting.

And yes, parenting should also set him back financially! One of the most difficult choices a parent – especially a father – can make is to be satisfied with less than maximum income in order to be there for his kids. Children can do without Nike running shoes but not without their father.

What strikes me is that Psalm 127:2 cautions us that we are wasting our time by rising early and staying up late toiling for food to eat – because the Lord grants sleep to those He loves. The next verses (verses 3-5) remind us that children are God’s best gift, a reward from Him and his generous legacy.

It is understandable that two incomes are sometimes necessary, or that a mother sometimes has the kind of personality that compels her to work outside of the home to feel a sense of self-worth – but the way in which we work out the details of these things can have a major and lasting influence on the family, and especially on the children.

It is a father’s responsibility to make these decisions and with these choices, he determines the future of the family.

Proverbs 11:29

Exploit or abuse your family, and end up with a fistful of air; common sense tells you it’s a stupid way to live (The Message).

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